


The Sexy Friend Threesome Trap

by pinkstarpirate



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2014-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-19 08:36:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1462810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkstarpirate/pseuds/pinkstarpirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Sburb fic.  The game spits the kids and the trolls out in a new world together, and life goes on.  Dave is helping John celebrate his twenty-fourth birthday with all of their friends at a local bar.  Dave gets a little bummed out by some residual romantic feelings he has for Jade, but not to worry, because John and Karkat come to the rescue.  At the end of the night, Karkat and Dave end up going home with John where sexy times ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sexy Friend Threesome Trap

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not gonna lie. This story is a lot of porn. It doesn't really have plot. Just lots of dicks and tentadicks, and cute boys having cute feelings about each other. It is also pretty cliche. Birthday drinks at bar leads to hot steamy sexy sex...yep, I know this trope well. But, ya know, I wrote something. I think I wrote more in the last 24 hours than I have in the whole of last year. So even if this is tropey, I feel accomplished. Go me! I want to thank [everlind](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Everlind/pseuds/Everlind) for being an amazing friend who read through part of this and encouraged me to keep going.
> 
> This fic is for 4-13, and dammit, if I lived in California, I would have made it by ten whole minutes. I'm gonna pretend I live on the west coast, so I made it. Happy B-day John! Happy 4-13, Homestuck fandom! I hope you like the porn.
> 
> *The minor dubious consent tag is because the three of them are slightly intoxicated when relations are initiated*

You sit and watch as John tries to get Karkat to do a birthday shot with him. Karkat, per usual, does his standard snark and snarl at John for a good minute before finally giving in. He takes the tiny glass of some blue concoction from John, clinks it in a toast, and downs it in a single gulp. Karkat almost chokes, because he thought it was, “Some stupid human soporific drink,” which doesn’t do a damn thing to trolls, but it was totally Faygo. You will never understand how that sugary shit gets trolls drunk. Karkat’s eyes get big, and John gets him to do another one. You won’t lie, Karkat is frickin’ adorable when inebriated. He complain-shouts less and shouts about how much he loves everyone/everything more. John and Karkat drunk together is the best thing ever. You wouldn’t miss seeing it for the world.

John, by all rights, should be turning the ripe old age of twenty four (congrats, John, you are old as balls), but technically, John is seventeen and three-fifths-ish today. This weird combination world the game spit you back into is very different from Earth. It is a world of humans, trolls, consorts, and carapaces. Time, which used to be ticked off in years for you, or sweeps for Karkat, is now quantified in some other unit altogether. You will never get used to it, because your time powers still move in years, minutes, seconds--tick, tick, tick, always the same. You just can’t function with the new crap. The old timekeeping is something which anchors you to the life you had before. Not to say that this life is necessarily better or worse, you just miss the old one sometimes.

The good is obvious, because it is great to have Karkat here, and Rose and Kanaya are still together. It is nice to finally meet all those dead trolls in a world where they aren’t so dead. And your bro is here, and actually guardian-you is here too. All the kids, all the guardians, all the trolls; everyone is here and it kind of makes you ridiculously happy.

Tonight the whole gang has gotten together to celebrate. It is a complete ruckus with trolls and humans alike, even a few consorts came to say hello and tell John happy birthday. Well, it isn’t just John’s birthday. It is Jane’s birthday too. Hello, hot mom. You know you should actually try and flirt with her, because you have forever and always failed epically to let Jane know that she is one very sexy lady.

You swear everyone knows about your crush on her, but you just can’t seem to ever actually tell her, because you are so bad with the ladies. You try to pretend you ooze all this Strider charm, and you have this Strider swag, but let’s be honest here...around Jane you happen to be a Grade A dork. You have never not screwed up flirting with her. She is the unobtainable hot mom of your dreams and forever just out of your reach.

“Hey,” someone says as they sidle up to you. It is Jade, and she is smiling at you, and damn if it doesn’t warm your heart a little to see her. Speaking of hot ladies, here is the second unobtainable lady in your life. At least you managed to tell her once upon a time that she made your heart go doki-doki, but leave it to your other bird-brained self to break her heart and ruin it for you. She was never yours. She was always his. Somehow, this is universally the most unfair thing in your life, and you have dealt with some rather unfair shit.

“Hi there,” you say, smirking at her just a little. You can’t help it, she causes the smirks, they are all her fault.

Jade, being the “as adorable as fuck” lady that she is, pokes your cheek with her finger and says, “Boop,” as she does it. You cannot fight the full smile now, you couldn’t even if you tried. She is forever booping your dimples and you hope she never stops.

“Can I buy you a drink?” you ask as she finishes up the whiskey in her glass. She somehow grew up to be this tough as nails, hard liquor drinking woman; but she is still, like you, a Grade A dork.

“Nope, I’m good,” Jade says as leans against you a little, and you realize she is drunk and swaying in her seat. Jade tips her head and smiles up at you. Feelings you thought you had managed to squash ages ago flutter up into your chest and you find it very hard to breathe. You have no idea how to handle it.

The only thing that saves you is Karkat. He drags John over to your table and they take the two empty seats across from you and Jade.

John is laughing so hard as Karkat drunkenly shouts proclamations of friendship and love, and the two of them put on this amazingly hilarious show for you and Jade. You sit and just enjoy the moment--you, John, Karkat, and Jade--in a wonderfully friendly way with only “friendly” feelings. Finally, Jade squeezes your arm and goes back to sit with her boyfriend. Yep, boyfriend, she has one of those. That doesn’t hurt at all, not a single damn bit. She slips away so damn easily, just like always.

John leans across the short table to whisper at you. “I thought you looked like you might need some rescuing.”

He is privy to your pain. So is Karkat. They are great friends. You couldn’t ask for better. Jade is just as awesome, but sometimes she doesn’t realize the things she does to you.

You give John and Karkat a nod of thanks, and then you follow it up by cracking a joke about hot moms. John gives you a pleading look. It is a “please don’t talk about my nanna like that” look.

Since John just helped you out, you cut the hot mom talk short. John has always been a little squeamish about your crush on Jane. You don’t know why. You are totally cool with his crush on your “mom” and whatnot. If he wanted to date Roxy, you would be perfectly fine with that. You would even make a concerted effort to call him dad and whatnot, because John would be the absolute worst step-dad ever and you’d love every minute of it.

“Let’s order some more drinks,” you say, and it is Karkat who eagerly seconds your suggestion. You always thought that after dealing with Gamzee and Terezi’s addictions he would swear off Faygo forever, but he doesn’t mind on special occasions. The only stipulations Karkat has, is that he has to be responsible about it, and it can never become a habit.

You flag down your waitress and order Karkat a mixed drink, because you can tell he is drunk enough to sit there and sip some fruity-ass concoction out of a big margarita glass with a little umbrella and some swirly, loopy straw. Seeing Karkat do that shit is priceless. You take out your phone in preparation for getting some photographic evidence of Karkat with his ridiculous drinking apparatus. He will probably kill you, but it will be very, very worth it.

John orders a few shots for you and him, and two beers for chasers. When the drinks arrive, John puts an extra shot in front of you, because apparently you need to catch up. You shrug and down the first one, and wow, it is strong. What in the heck had John ordered? He giggles. That motherfucker actually giggles at you, and his smile is wide and filled with so much mirth you can barely take it.

“Hey, don’t stop,” he says, and he picks up his first shot and urges another one into your hand. You are still trying to breathe, you didn’t even get to your chaser, but too late now. John clinks his shot glass to yours and then it is down the hatch. This time you do get to your chaser, but at least this shot wasn’t as brutal as the last. You do feel the warmth starting to rise to your cheeks and the room feels fuzzy, but a nice fuzzy, like fuzzy dice or some shit like that. Also, you were correct, Karkat looks hilariously ridiculous with his gigantic rainbow drink.

You discreetly take a few pictures of him, then you motion to John. “Hey, get in there,” you say, and Karkat finally figures out you are taking pictures and scowls at you. Not for long, though, because John drapes his arm over Karkat’s shoulder (well, let’s be honest, it is more like John drapes his entire self over Karkat), and then Karkat is all wide eyes and darkened cheeks. Oh boy, troll blushing is the best. It looks nothing like human blushing, because it is more like all-of-a-sudden-troll-freckles. The blushing freckles are almost cartoonishly big, and slightly darker than the normal grey skin of the troll, and are usually sprinkled across the bridge of nose and cheeks just like human freckles would be.

Then, John turns to Karkat and sees the freckles. There is one particularly bright blush-freckle and John hones in on it. In a move he most definitely learned from Jade, John uses his pointer finger to poke Karkat’s nose. Karkat blushes even harder when John says, “Boop.”

You do your best to stifle your chuckle, because you’ve been there. Damn John and Jade and their immense butterfly-inducing ancient “boop” technique. It is a technique that can melt any hardened, jaded heart anywhere. You manage to not laugh, but you can’t stop the smile that spreads across your mouth. So you aren’t ready for it when John leans over the table and boops you too. Right in the dimple. Just like Jade did. And there they are again--the same damn butterflies in your stomach take flight for the second time tonight.

“Ha-fucking-ha,” Karkat says in his most indignant tone before taking another sip from this loopty-doop straw. His eyebrow arches high and knowing, because he does know. His expression says, “See, it isn’t just me, he gets to you too, asshole.”

You can’t exactly call Egbert a hot dad, but let’s be honest, if he was a dad, he’d be a hot one. Why are you thinking about hot dads? That doesn’t even make sense. Except, John as a dad would be frickin’ adorable, so you don’t mind thinking about it. This is how your thoughts turn into the most confusing clusterfuck of what the fuck you might have ever experienced. You might be feeling those shots right about now.

“How strong were those shots?” you ask, and John laughs.

“Dunno,” John replies, but he scoots a third and final one over to you. Karkat just sips his drink from his enormous margarita glass, out of his loopity-doopity-flippity straw, so you suppose you should get to drinking.

You clink the shot glass to John’s and down it fast. This one is as strong as the first, and you can barely breathe, but is it because of the alcohol, or is it because of John?

John wheezes a little, as the shot apparently does a number on him too. He takes a swig from his chaser and then smiles at you again. For a moment he actually seems like he is all bright smiles and endless warmth, and it is the most inviting thing ever, and oh God why are you thinking about wrapping yourself up in John Egberts warmth? Are you a fucking thirteen year old girl?

No. No you are not. But also, yes, yes you kind of are right now.

\------

At closing time, everyone else disperses except for you, John, and Karkat. John’s apartment is the closest, just a few blocks from the bar. You live across town, and you don’t really feel like calling for, or finding, a taxi. Karkat lives in the main troll area in town, which is also within walking distance, but walking back to his hive this drunk might be a death sentence for him. In this world, trolls somehow keep their violent tendencies to specifically designated areas, and Karkat happens to live in one of those sanctioned places. He is in no condition to defend himself, so he is coming home with you and John.

You have a feeling that this night is going to get really strange. You just know. It is obvious, because John has an arm slung around both you and Karkat. Not even around your shoulders but rather wrapped tightly around your waist. Karkat is still all blushy-freckled, and you are sure you are equally as human-blushy. You don’t have a clue how John can be so oblivious to this. You realize, when you step into John’s apartment with Karkat, that he isn’t.

John isn’t oblivious about a single, tiny bit of it.

Oh. Oh! You are so gonna give John a piece of your mind later. But not right now, because you are kind of enjoying watching the slow, sensual kiss John is having with Karkat. You almost take out your phone to snap a picture, but John swats your hand away from your pocket and pulls you toward him. And then John is kissing you.

Karkat, usually an overwhelmingly happy drunk, can’t manage to bite back one tidbit of sass. “What in the hell happened to ‘I’m not a homosexual’? I finally fucking understand what homosexual means, and I would just like to point out that we’re definitely being homosexual.” Karkat says in his usual grumpy, I’m-not-in-the-mood-for-your-bullshit tone.

John doesn’t answer. Instead, he nibbles your lower lip ever so gently and then licks his tongue against the seam of your lips. Oh fuck, yes please, you think as John pushes his tongue into your mouth.

“Mmrrrrr,” Karkat says in irritation. The sound he makes is more a growl than anything else, and you definitely miss the warm, wet slide of John’s tongue against yours as Karkat hauls John back. Your mind is still hazy, and your heart is beating so hard that you feel it keeping double time. Okay, you think, Karkat isn’t keen on sharing John, and you aren’t sure what to do about that.

Or, you think Karkat isn’t keen on sharing, until Karkat pushes his way toward you. He takes a deep breath and reaches up for your face. He can’t even look you in the eye as he pulls you down to him. When he finally does glance at you, his expression is so soft, and he leans forward and kisses you gently, his lips moving against yours in an almost timid way. His mouth lingers for a long moment before he pulls back, his fingers still cupping your cheek. He appears to be torn between giving you a look of absolute irritation, and giving you a genuine smile. He does neither. Finally, he releases you and takes one of your hands and then makes a grab for one of John’s. Then, Karkat Vantas, grumpy, shouty troll leader, is marching both you and John straight back to John’s bedroom.

John better really be okay with all the homo, because the “full homo” (™, all rights reserved) is going to be happening pretty damn soon.

Karkat starts unbuttoning your shirt, and you almost laugh when John starts helping too. His excuse? “Bluh, your stupid hipster clothes have at least five thousand buttons,” he says as he finally yanks the bottom of the shirt out of where you tucked it into your jeans and finishes unhooking the last two buttons. You shrug it and your fitted jacket off in one smooth motion. You feel a little exposed, being the only one topless, but it doesn’t stay like that for long.

Karkat turns away and skims his hands down John’s sides. You actually see John shiver as Karkat does this. John also sucks his bottom lip in and worries it between his teeth as Karkat gathers John’s shirt and begins to push it up and off. John has always been all beautiful tanned skin and strong, broad shoulders; and tonight is no different. Twenty-four looks good on John.

John startles a little when Karkat leans in and kisses his collarbone. You decide to lean in and take John’s mouth.

It is warm and wet, and the kiss is starting to get a little sloppy when John moans full and long into your kiss. Well, well, what did Karkat do to coax that happy little noise out? You pull away and watch as Karkat first sucks on, then runs his tongue around, one of John’s nipples. You see Karkat smirk as John’s nipple pulls into a tight, perk peak.

“Somebody likes that,” you murmur against John’s mouth.

“Daaave,” John replies in that whiny voice he tends to use when he gets exasperated. Then Karkat, probably upset that he is being ignored, does something to make John add a, “Karkaaat,” in the same voice.

John pulls away from both of you. His breathing is heavy, and there is a distinct bite mark directly on John’s collar bone, not to mention he his nipping out like crazy. The boy could cut glass with those nips. You reach out and flick a nipple, and John responds with a breathy gasp before swatting your hand away.

“No touchy right now, you perv,” he says with a smirk.

Oh, that jerk. This whole thing is probably 98% his fault and he is scolding you for being a perv.

“Okay,” he says, taking another step back from you and Karkat. Karkat is the only one of you who is still fully dressed, and you kind of want to fix that, but you give your attention to John. “I’m thinking that I’m the birthday boy here, and I kind of want you guys to give me a birthday present.”

You already gave John like six birthday presents, but something tells you that you will probably have no problem giving him one more.

“I want,” and his grin turns devilish, “For the two of you to give me a show.”

Karkat is not amused. Despite the lingering effects of Faygo, which usually makes him scarily jovial, he glares at John and says, “What do I look like, your waltzing underdeveloped primate?”

“Pfffft, dancing monkey, Karkat,” John says with a sly grin, “And no, you’re not my dancing monkey.”

You cross your arms and give John a perplexed look. “Threesomes require three people, John. I distinctly remember signing up for the threesome event,” you pull your phone out of your pants pocket and pretend to bring up your calendar app, “Ah yes, here we are, 2:35 a.m. on Tuesday, threesome with Karkat and John. Am I in the wrong room or something?”

John laughs, because you are ridiculous and everyone knows it. Even Karkat is kind of smirking as he rolls his eyes at you.

John gives you a look, and by God, it is a look. His bright blue eyes turn dark as he focuses a smoldering gaze on you. “Oh,” he says in a low, husky voice, “We’re having a threesome. We are definitely having a threesome.”

You turn to Karkat and say, “Dance with me, my fellow monkey.” Which, of course, causes Karkat to snort in disgust, because you are sure he expects you to start some completely ridiculous dance routine--like maybe a jig or clogging--but you just slide your hands down to his hips and pull his body firmly against your own.

Karkat gasps as you slowly start rolling your hips purposefully in a counterclockwise circle. You are sure he can feel the half hard bulge of your cock pressed firmly against his hip. Your hands circle around Karkat’s waist and slide into the back pockets of his jeans. You give the troll’s backside a good squeeze and Karkat hips buck forward involuntarily.

“John,” you tease your sidelined friend, “You know, this could be you.”

You continue to lead Karkat in this seductive little dance. You know for a fact that Karkat normally can’t dance worth a damn He is, by all accounts, one of the worst dancers you have ever met. This may have everything to do with dancing not really having been a thing on Alternia. You are pretty sure you wouldn’t trust a random bloodthirsty stranger to grind all up in your business either.

Karkat doesn’t argue when you lead him through several moves. You don’t go fast, and he manages to keep up. You are a damn good partner, and that’s not you being cocky. Bro might have signed you up for dance classes when you you younger. Dance helps you learn coordination and flexibility faster and more thoroughly than many other kinds of training. You might have signed up for additional classes as an adult after the game spit you out here. You might be an excellent belly dancer, you might rock the hip hop scene, you might be a tremendous modern dancer...you might be.

Karkat’s leans into you and now your bodies are touching from your hips all the way up to your chests. His chest is against yours, his arms are wound up around your neck, and he is gently raking his claws through the tufts of hair at the base of your neck. Chest to chest, and groin to groin; and it feels nice. Best of all, John is hungrily watching all of it. You shift yourself and Karkat so you can lock eyes with John.

You know John isn’t always a lovable, silly doof. You have seen him joyous, sad, mad, childishly unresponsive, distraught, and serious. You have seen every emotional state John has to offer. You appreciate when he is a fun-loving oaf, but there is something about this lust-filled, serious John that makes your spine tingle and your breath catch.

“Jealous?” you ask John as you give Karkat and yourself enough room between your bodies that you can lift Karkat’s sweatshirt up and off of him.

“Not at all,” he says as he licks his lips. “I’ll have my chance soon enough.”

You shrug, and urge Karkat to turn around so that John has the best view. Now Karkat’s back is pressed against your chest, and your dick is securely nestled in the crevice of Karkat’s firm, round backside. Did you mention that Karkat has a plush bubble-butt? He is short and compact--a little beefy brawler who can, and will, fuck up your shit. He also has the most perfect butt you have ever seen. You are kind of insanely jealous of it. You are lean, lithe, and have an okay ass, but you kind of wish you had a little more padding back there, a little more for a partner to squeeze. Karkat’s ass is a beautiful, pillowy heaven. You mentally promise yourself to bury your face in it at least once tonight.

You once again lock eyes with John, and he watches carefully as you and Karkat sway to some imaginary music. Because it is you, you and Karkat never miss a beat. You hear the tempo, you feel it, your hips sway in time, and you follow the tick, tick, tick of an aspect which will be a part of you until the day you die.

Suddenly, you have the absolute best idea. This will definitely be a Happy Birthday to John moment. John wants a show, so you will give him a show.

You place your mouth right by Karkat’s ear. You whisper your plan to the short troll, and you can see freckles appear on the top of his shoulders. You lean around and see that Karkat’s face is completely freckle-dusted in embarrassment. You worry he might refuse your suggestion.

“I promise John will love it,” you tell him. And you know it is true. If you had a good view of this, you would certainly love it. Hell, you wish you had known it was a thing trolls could do back during your horny pubescent years on the meteor. You and Terezi would have never left her room if you had.

Karkat grumbles for a minute, and you are about to soothe him and tell him nevermind, he doesn’t have to do it, but you never get the chance, because he chooses to reach down and unbutton his jeans.

You can actually hear John gulp. You wish you had a view of this. As it is, the only thing you can watch is John watching Karkat. Which, in reality, is pretty damn sexy too.

The dancing/gyrating/grinding comes to an end. You pet Karkat’s shoulders and gently shoosh him as he lowers the zipper on his jeans and pushes the pants down. They get stuck around his knees and he shimmies and kicks them off. Now Karkat is the most naked of all of you, and he is about to get even more bare. You hook your thumbs in the elastic band of Karkat’s boxers and lower them off of his hips until they fall and pool at Karkat’s feet. John nods his approval.

Karkat takes one of your hands and maneuvers it to his bulge slit. Only the very tip of his bulge has pushed out, but it winds around your index finger. He moans as you stroke it gently with your thumb. You release him and push both your index finger and your middle finger into his bulge slit. You scissor Karkat open and more of his bulge eagerly drops out.

“Is he wet?” you ask John, knowing that John’s eyes are glued to Karkat’s groin. “Your fingers release his bulge slit and dip further down between Karkat’s legs. Your fingers find the second slit, the entrance to his nook. “How about here, John?” and you smirk because damn you know how hot this has to look. You are wrecking John without even touching him, and Karkat is going to make it so much worse in just a second.

“I bet you’d love to get your dick all up in this,” you say as you push a finger slow and deep into Karkat’s nook. His bulge winds around your wrist and twitches happily as you finger him.

“Fuck, fuck, oh fucking shit,” Karkat whines. His head lolls back against your chest.

You press your lips to Karkat’s ear and give him the signal. You simply tell him, “Okay.”

Karkat’s bulge, which is now completely out of its sheath, unwinds itself from your wrist and eagerly pushes your hand out of the way. John cocks his head curiously. He wants to know what in the world you have up your sleeve.

You place a hand on each of Karkat’s hips, steadying him. He fidgets constantly, and his body is warmer than normal to the touch. Karkat turns his head away as the tip of his bulge starts to dip into his own nook. John’s eyes widen in shock. More of Karkat’s bulge pushes into his nook. It rolls in, and then pulls out. You can kind of see the sticky pale red liquid that has dripped onto the floor. It is coming from between Karkat’s thighs.

“That’s it,” you encourage Karkat, because you can tell he is absolutely dying of embarrassment.

“Shut the ever-loving fuck up, Dave,” Karkat snaps at you, but there is surprisingly little vitriol in his words.

Karkat still won’t look at John, but he moans long and low as his bulge pushes in again. You pull one hand off of Karkat’s hip and reach between his legs from behind. His bulge is thrusting in from the front, keeping a slow, steady pace. You slip a finger between Karkat’s legs and into his nook from the other side. As Karkat’s bulge pulls out, you push in, as you pull out, Karkat pushes in. This continues for a very long, torturous minute.

John finally stands and comes toward the both of you. He sat for a good ten minutes just palming the clothed erection in his own pants and watching the two of you. You are not sure you could have shown that much control.

“Wow,” John tells Karkat, but Karkat still can’t quite meet John’s eyes. You feel Karkat tense up, almost like he wants to tell John to fuck off, but he just whines softly instead. John puts a finger under Karkat’s chin and tilts his face up so John’s can kiss him. Throughout the kiss Karkat keeps working his nook with his own bulge and your finger. Well, fingers to be more accurate. You are now steadily moving two fingers in and out of Karkat’s body, and you decide you might as well see how he handles a third.

The answer is Karkat handles three of your fingers and his own bulge very well. He moans into John’s mouth and his body begins to draw taut, every muscle in his body stretches tightly in anticipation. This is definitely the time, you decide, to see exactly how amazing Karkat’s ass is.

You drop to your knees while John keeps Karkat upright. You cannot even imagine the nerve overload you would be having if you could self-fuck while getting fingered and kissed. You draw your fingers out of Karkat’s nook much to his dissatisfaction. Karkat even manages to get out a, “What the hell, you fucker!” before you pull his asscheeks apart and lick a wet stripe from the edge of his nook’s lips to the back of his puckered anus. Karkat’s reactionary, “Oh,” is swallowed up by another of John’s deep kisses, and you decide to go to work.

You squeeze Karkat’s dusky gray cheeks, kneading and worshipping this beautiful specimen of ass. You might not be as obsessed with plush rumps as your Bro, but you have a deep appreciation of them, especially ones as nice as Karkat’s. You push your tongue into the tight, puckered hole and you feel Karkat go limp for a minute. He really does rely on John to keep him upright while you push as far inside of him with your tongue as you can. You pull out and lavish the hole with several more long, wet stripes.

Karkat shudders, whines, moans, shakes, and you can feel how his thighs want to give out. Bless John and those beautifully strong arms of his. He isn’t going to let Karkat fall. It doesn’t matter that trolls are heavy, dense fuckers who have ridiculous amounts of solidly packed muscle. John can handle it.

Karkat releases a long, breathy moan that goes straight to your dick, then he murmurs, “Stop,” and tries to wriggle away from you. You pull away and he repeats himself, “Fuck, stop Dave, or I’m going to cum.” He is panting, his eyes are closed, and his head is leaning on John’s chest. Karkat’s bulge separates from his nook. The poor guy looks so worn out already.

You get up from your knees and fling yourself onto John’s bed. You strike a hilariously seductive pose and pat the spot beside you. “Come here, boys, let me show you how Striders do it.”

Karkat sits down on the corner, and almost instantly John’s bedding is stained bright red. Damn, that boy is leaking like crazy. You really want to nuzzle right up to his nook and go to town on it, but you are pretty sure Karkat might eviscerate you if you tried. And besides, John is the birthday boy here. It is time that you and Karkat get on him.

John is taking his time getting out of his jeans. He is wearing boxers, and when he pulls his jeans down, only his boxers are left. The tent his dick makes with them is mighty impressive. That is some quality hardwood right there, like a brazilian cherry grade boner or something. John catches you watching and off go the undies too. Wow, does he have a damn spring on that thing or something? His dick immediate jerks up as it is freed from his underwear and slaps against his belly. It has a fantastic curve to it, and it is thick and long, but not like scary thick or ten foot pole long. It is just a nice dick. 8.5/10 dick. Would definitely fuck again, A+.

John flops down on the bed with you and Karkat, and suddenly it is really crowded with the three of you, despite John having a large bed. Karkat leans over and gives John’s dick an experimental jerk. John is surprised, but then he leans back and lets Karkat jack him off for a bit. John doesn’t even freak out at Karkat’s claws too much, and you remember the first time someone with clawed hands touched your dick, you almost died from terror.

“Is this how you like it?” Karkat asks as he runs his hand up and down the shaft of John’s dick. John’s toes curl and his eyes squeeze shut. Karkat glowers at him and asks again, “Do you like this, fuckface?” and finally John gives an emphatic nod of his head.

You know you should probably join in, but part of you is contented to just sit and watch Karkat and John do their thing. First, it is hella sexy; second, you are way too close to the edge right now (you might be able to classify your boner as a diamond); and third, alcohol makes you content to be a lazy fuck, even though most of it has worn off by now.

You do, however, urge Karkat to get in John’s lap and let his bulge do the work. Nothing is better than a bulgejob. Handjobs have nothing on a bulgejob, and they might even give a blowjob a run for its money.

Karkat grumbles under his breath, but he climbs into John’s lap. The best part about this, you know, is that it nice to have hands-free sloppy makeouts while getting a bulgejob. Wanna grab a handful of ass in one hand and tweak your partner’s nipple in the other while giving a bulgejob, and all this while shoving your tongue down your partner’s throat? You go right ahead. That is totally a thing you can do while giving bulgejobs.

Karkat’s bulge immediately winds itself around John’s beautiful, perfect dick. Karkat is still leaking genetic material like mad, so much so that you can hear the wet squelches as his bulges squeezes and coils around John’s cock. Wow, you marvel at John, that lucky bastard. Also, why are you the only one still wearing pants? You use this break in the regularly scheduled threesome to get completely naked. John and Karkat use it to start having some hella-intimate mutual masturbation and almost-loving makeouts.

John is murmuring things to Karkat, and Karkat is freckled all over. You didn’t even know trolls could blush in some of the places that Karkat has freckles, and he looks damn good in a polka-dot pattern. John’s mouth aligns with Karkat’s and they kiss, long and slow. John’s breath catches when the tip of Karkat’s bulge skitters across the slit of John’s dick. You watch as Karkat’s bulge flicks again across John’s cumhole a few more times, and then John is all unresolved tension, and you know he is about to cum.

“Karkaaaat,” John whines. Karkat’s bulge winds itself around John’s balls and the base of his cock, creatively keeping John from orgasming.

You knew John had a dark sexy side, but you were completely unaware that Karkat had one. He makes John look at him, even though John is shaking and ten kinds of unfocused and hazy from almost cumming. “Not yet,” Karkat says. His voice is strong and demanding, and wow, how are your top two dork friends so flippin’ sexy? This does not compute, and all you know is that you want in on it. Immediately.

You slip behind John, because there is enough room at his back for your long, lanky ass. You start kissing his neck and shoulders, and Karkat goes back to kissing John tenderly on the mouth. One of John’s hands reaches behind him and finds your dick and strokes you firmly until you are quivering just as bad as he is.

“So,” John says, voice a little shaky. “How exactly are we doing this thing?”

“Karkat in the middle,” you murmur into the sweat-slicked skin of John’s neck. You know it is much easier to take a tentabulge than it is a dick like John’s.

“Or, ya know,” he says indignantly, “Birthday boy in the middle.”

Karkat leans up to give you a chaste kiss over John’s shoulder, “Yes, birthday boy in the middle,” he agrees, and then his mouth returns to yours and his tongue pushes into your mouth. Holy hell, Karkat, stop being so good at this. You don’t think John would be pleased if you blew your load on his back, just from kissing.

Karkat pulls away from the kiss, a knowing, smug smile on his stupid face. Damn that fucker knows how to kiss just the way you like it. You kind of want to bite him, but you reserve that for a later date. Trolls find biting to be very sexy, and you aren’t sure you want to rile Karkat up quite that much.

Instead you press your lips to John’s ear and ask, “Can you take my cock?”

John, the cheeky bastard that he is, replies with a, “Pshaa, of course I can.” His voice goes from silly to sexy in 0.3 seconds as he adds in a deep, gravelly tone, “I can take anything you or Karkat throw at me. Please, Dave, fuck me.”

You laugh, because holy hell John is infuriatingly sexy. You just pat him on the back and say, “First things first, let’s get you lubed up.”

Karkat gets the memo, even without you telling him, and wriggles off of John’s lap. You shift so that you are no longer behind John, and urge him to lie down on his back while you and Karkat work him open. He looks pleased as Karkat’s mouths one of his balls. You choose to start by taking his dick in your mouth and you kind of deep throat him (one of your many talents). John almost comes again, but you use your thumb and forefinger to create a firm ring around the base of his cock. You can tell that you and Karkat are driving him crazy. Good, that is exactly what the birthday boy needs.

You push up John’s legs, and you let Karkat lick at John’s tight entrance. John is nearly shaking when Karkat’s tongue works up into him for the first time.

“Have you ever had a tongue in your ass before?” you ask John. He shakes his head no. “So this is your first time doing anal?” you ask, and this time John shakes his head yes.

Karkat moves over to let you in-between John’s legs, but you have a better idea. You flip John over onto his stomach. Now you don’t have to hold John’s legs up to gain access, and there is something very sexy about seeing John’s perfect cock leaking precum as it drags along the bedspread. It is also cute to watch how many times John’s hips reflexively hump the bed as you tongue his hole open. But you know there is something far more effective than your tongue or even your fingers.

You motion to Karkat, and Karkat sits up. You readjust yourself on the bed so that you are beside John, who is still on his stomach, and Karkat is now between his legs.

“Do you trust me, John?” you ask before you kiss his mouth and lick at his teeth.

“Uh-huh,” he says in a dazed, far-away voice.

“Good, I think you can handle this,” and you nod at Karkat. Karkat presses the tip of his bulge against the opening of John’s ass.

“Huh?” John asks, eyes growing wide, “But I thought…” and his voice trails off as Karkat wriggles into him one inch at a time.

“He’s gonna open you up for me,” you tell John.

You know nothing works better for preparing an ass than a steadily leaking troll bulge--the way it moves, the extremely tapered head, the generous amounts of genetic material it leaks that can also act as long-lasting lubrication. The first time a person gets fucked in the ass, it should always be by a troll. It is almost like their bulges were built for it.

You soothe John by running a hand gently down his spine. Karkat takes John’s hips and shifts him up just enough that his bulge can work itself all the way into John.

Bulges are a magical thing. You weren’t really sure what you thought about the whole xeno-naughty bits thing when you first found out that trolls are basically hermaphrodites with love tentacles for dicks. Now, you are securely in the “They are Fucking Awesome” camp.

Bulges instinctually move on their own, though trolls do have the ability to control them if they concentrate; they are highly flexible, as seen by Karkat’s ability to fuck himself; they are self-lubricating, and if you don’t think that is a perk, then fuck you, fuck you with a dry dick; and then there is the fact that they are also stretchy. Oh yes, that is correct, bulges can stretch out to nearly twice their length. You aren’t up on the biology of it, but a bulge can, and will, lengthen by redistributing its muscle mass and it is contained by super-stretchy, flexible skin. So a short, thick bulge can become long and thin in a matter of seconds. Bless bulges, God bless bulges everywhere.

Karkat’s own bulge is normally about seven inches long, barely a finger’s width at the tip, but also around seven inches in circumference at its base, and the skin is somewhat translucent. The skin covering a bulge is nothing like the dense, leathery skin found on the rest of a troll’s body. There are parts of Karkat’s bulge that are tinted grey, but most of it has a distinctly red hue, just like his blood color. That is what it usually looks like. However, right now it has stretched out to almost the length of your forearm, and is barely two fingers wide. It is steadily working into John, who is an obviously moaning mess.

You rub circles into John’s lower back. He isn’t making pained noises, because that was definitely a happy moan you just heard, but you can feel his body tense every once in awhile. His head is buried in his arms, and you can’t see his face. You really want to see John’s face.

“John,” you murmur softly as you slink up next to him. He gasps and tenses, but keeps his head covered and turned away from you. “John,” you repeat, this time your voice is firm. You want to see him.

You use your hand to push one of his arms away. He is embarrassed when he finally turns just enough that he sees you watching him. “Dammit, Dave,” he huffs, then moans as Karkat does something nice. “Don’t stare. It isn’t nice.”

You don’t chastise him, because wow, a first anal experience can be really overwhelming. Instead, you slowly lure him towards you, coaxing him with your fingers, trying to get him to turn his face to you. You want to kiss him so badly. You want to show him how good he is doing.

Karkat groans and you look back to see that he has bottomed out. Holy hell, holy frickin’ hell these two are going to be the death of you. You pull at Egbert with a bit more urgence. Your mouth searches for his and you finally convince him. Your lips part and you accept his tongue into your mouth, sucking on it slowly, massaging it with your own. You love feeling him as he moans into you, and you feel how he shakes and loses control. You can feel it when Karkat hits all the right spots, you know because of how John reacts. He is so fucking beautiful, you can barely take it.

Karkat--surly, grumpy, mouthy, bossy, fuck everything and everyone--Karkat has taken over rubbing soothing circles into John’s lower back with his hands. He is even murmuring encouraging words to John. Karkat tells John how good he is doing, how well John is taking him, how amazing John feels. John shudders and moans under the litany of praise. You keep John’s mouth pressed firmly to yours, and he kisses you and it is open and wet and wow, just wow.

John’s mouth pulls away from yours as he arches back. His entire body tenses as he pulls himself up onto his hands and knees. His back bows and he is gathering fistfuls of bedding in each of his hands.

“Woah, there,” Karkat whispers. He drapes himself over John and places soft kisses to each shoulder blade, and then a few to John’s neck and spine. “Relax, John, you’re doing so good.”

You give Karkat a quizzical look, one eyebrow arched high, and Karkat just shrugs at you in reply. “Is he okay?” you ask Karkat.

“Yeah, I…” and Karkat gives you a legitimately sheepish look. “I compacted my bulge a little too fast for him.” He kisses John’s neck again and directs the next words to him, “But he is doing great. Shhhh, just relax for me.”

And John does. He begins breathing again, and you realize you hadn’t noticed when John stopped. His breath stutters at first, but it evens out until you can tell John is enjoying himself.

You reach between his legs and stroke that perfect cock of his. John hadn’t been prepared for that, and he gives a loud, breathy, “Haaaaa,” as you run your hand from the root of his cock to the tip.

You give him one more stroke, and then you ask him, “Are you ready, John? Do you think you can take me now?”

John smirks at you and nods. What a little shit. “H-hell yeah,” he says, trying his best to cover a raspy moan.

When Karkat pulls out of John, you guide John to one side and then pat the bed. When Karkat doesn’t get the memo, you pat it again, “Karkat, we are making a John sandwich here, and you are the first slice of bread, get your ass down here. On your back.”

Karkat responds by huffing at you and not moving an inch. Leave it to Karkat to get insolent at the orgy.

“Karkat…”

“Fuck you, Strider,” he interrupts. His voice is low and calm.

“Yeah, yeah, maybe later, Right now, you are I are going to fuck John. You are ruining my playbook here. Come on.” You punctuate this by giving him an exasperated look.

Karkat begins to move, but he doesn’t lie down on the bed. A demanding hand slips around your neck and he draws you in close to him. He kisses you, softly, which is about the last thing you expected Karkat to do. As he pulls away, he brushes a rogue lock of blond hair off of your forehead in a way that can only be described as tender. That fucker. Then he rolls his eyes and plops down on his back.

Well, Karkat showed you, didn’t he? See, you are most definitely not the boss of him. Karkat stares at you for a second longer with a “I give absolutely no fucks” look before turning his attention to John.

John laughs as he crawls over to Karkat. He settles in-between Karkat’s legs, which are spread wide, and then John grips his own dick. Karkat’s bulge does this really nifty arch thing as John rubs the head of his dick up and down the entrance of Karkat’s nook. John makes a faint “Hmmm,” sound, and then he pushes his cock inside Karkat.

“Wow...wet,” John says with this strange, blissed expression on his face.

Karkat is basically leaking like a red geiser, but this is the first time it dawned on John that a troll’s nook might be wet. You have brilliant friends. No, really, you do; but you swear they never use any of that potential, ever.

John takes a moment more to enjoy the wet warmth of Karkat before he rolls his hips first in, and then out, as he begins to fuck Karkat in earnest.

Down, Little Dave. Down. Nope, you are not spewing your baby batter until you are securely inside John’s adorable little ass. At least you hope John is okay if you blow your load inside of him. Though you’d be cool cumming on his ass too. That is a thing you could do.

“Still not a fucking sandwich, or whatever,” Karkat hisses at you, even as he takes John’s long, smooth thrusts.

You reach down and run your hand through Karkat’s hair, brushing a sweaty strand off of his forehead with your thumb, mimicking what he did to you. It obviously says, fuck you, you’re not the boss of me either, jerkface. It is just a bonus that Karkat leans into your touch, and you cup his cheek as he closes his eyes.

You can’t help yourself. You lean down and press your lips to the corner of his mouth. It is hard to get a good angle with John’s enthusiastic thrusts pushing Karkat back toward the headboard. You whisper, because you know this will embarrass the fuck out of Karkat, “You are taking him so good. So good.” And then, you kiss him again, the annoying fucker.

Karkat responds with a string of curses so long that you swear it’s some kind of invocation for the God of Potty Mouths. That boy knows more swear words than any other human or troll alive.  Then, he moans, low and hoarse, and it is so absolutely beautiful that you almost jizz yourself.

That’s it, your dick has had it with your constant procrastination. It is time, dammit, for it to get buried in that nice Egbert ass over there. You scootch back on the bed until you are behind John. He slows his thrusts and looks at you over his shoulder, and you can see faint worry in his eyes. You stop his movement by placing your hands on his hips, and when he stills you carefully press the blunt head of your dick to his entrance. It is still slick with Karkat’s pre-genetic material.

“Aaah,” is the sound John makes when your cockhead slips past the first ring of muscle. You maintain a steady pressure as you press forward until it slips past the second ring. John shivers and arches back, and you steady him with a hand on his shoulder. You give him a second to adjust before moving any more. The worst, you know, is over.

John braces himself on all fours with his knees between Karkat’s legs and his arms to either side of Karkat’s ribcage. Karkat rubs his hands up and down John’s arms trying to get him to calm down.

“Shhh, breathe,” Karkat tells John.

And John does, and then John relaxes. Karkat just seems to have a magic ability to settle people and/or trolls in distress. You don’t know a single soul who wouldn’t be affected by a Karkat shooshing. He is that good.

You give John a few more moments before moving, but it isn’t easy. Your dick is screaming at you to go, go, go. The warm, tight heat of John feels wonderful, and you are kind of desperate to push all the way in. You absolutely need John to take every single inch of you, down to the root.

John is the one who takes the initiative, and pushes back on you just the tiniest bit. You get the message and roll your hips forward. Then, you are there. You are balls deep in John Egbert, who is balls deep in Karkat Vantas. Hell yes, full threesome eschelon achieved. You wonder how many boondollars comprise this level’s prize.

You bend down, draping yourself over John’s back, still not moving. Your lips desperately need to kiss that cute little scar just to the right of John’s shoulder blade.

“Hey, John?” you murmur into the sweat-slicked skin of his back. He just hmmms at you, and you continue. “You okay if I cum inside you? I’d really like to.”

He answers, first, with a soft moan, and then, he says, “Yeah...yeah, I want that.”

He wants that. John Egbert wants you to come inside of him. You swear you hear a whole choir of holy angels singing perverted hymns as you start moving. At first, it is just you grinding small circles with your hips, but when Karkat growls, “For fucks sake, get on with it!” you listen. You understand that as the middle of the threesome, John doesn’t set the pace, you do. Therefore, you pull back off of John, grab his hips, and start fucking.

John soon realizes it is easiest to give you control. All he has to do is make sure he pulls back after each of your thrusts so that you can push him into Karkat again with the next advance of your hips. John is trembling so hard, but he has the wherewithal to reach between him and Karkat to gently jerk off Karkat’s bulge.

“Dammit, dammit, fuck,” Karkat gasps and he wraps his arms around John. He leaves a light trail of claw marks as he drags his claws down John’s back. John responds by arching up, and his body tenses. Holy shit, he’s cumming. John is actually cumming.

You don’t stop. You fuck John through the orgasm, and man, he is loud. You thought Karkat was loud, but John is all uncontrolled shouts of, “Haah, aaah, nnnggh,” as his hips jerk forward. You hope his apartment doesn’t have thin walls, otherwise you might have some angry neighbors complaining later.

You really try and hold out, you really do, but when you have a sexy as hell Egbert under you, cumming hard and cumming loud, your dick is going to stand up and take notice. The orgasm starts to build and you get that uncontrollable need to drive your dick in, in, in. Your fingers grasp John’s hips so hard that you know you’ll probably leave bruises. Your body tenses, but you don’t utter a sound as you cum. You are silent as pleasure bursts through you, at first making every nerve ending crackle, leaving you raw. At the very end, you murmur John’s name, and Karkat’s. You try to fight the post-orgasmic haze, but it takes you and everything is comfortable and warm, and you are so tired.

Your body droops onto John, and he chuckles. “Damn good fuck,” he says and you feel as he lowers himself onto Karkat’s chest.

“Holy shit, if I weren’t so fucking tired right now I would kick your two stinking dead carcasses onto the floor. You are both so fucking heavy, get off!” Karkat growls and pushes feebly at you and John.

You suppose the gentlemanly thing to do would be to roll over to one side. You try, and you kind of do it, but you kind of fail too. You finally find the strength to settle back on your knees and pull out of John, watching as every inch of your length slips from his body. Finally, you slump at the end of bed, right at John and Karkat’s feet.

John rolls to one side, kicking at you since you are kind of laying on one of his legs. Karkat doesn’t move at all.

“Gonna need to pail?” you ask Karkat.

Karkat is in the same spot John fucked him in. His bulge is out, but lying motionless against his thigh.  There is a small amount of concentrated genetic material striping his stomach. He nods, “Yeah, in about an hour. It’ll take that long for me to...finish.”

You are so jealous of trolls. An hour. An hour long orgasm, followed by an even bigger orgasm in which they expel a large amount of genetic slurry their body has just spent an hour making. In this particular case, it will be John’s cum and Karkat’s genetic material.

You never imagined pailing would be quite the process that it is, but you enjoy participating in it with partners. Either you or John is going to have to go find a bucket, or help Karkat to the bathroom if John doesn’t want his bedroom floor ruined. But you have a little while to figure that out. For now, you are just going enjoy your post-orgasmic bliss.

The three of you remain motionless for the good part of 45 minutes, until Karkat’s cute gasps and breathy moans turn urgent. He is going to pail very soon. John has a bucket for cleaning hidden away under his kitchen sink, and goes to get it. The two of you help Karkat stand upright as he sets it between his legs. Only a few seconds pass before a creamy pink froth starts dripping down Karkat’s thighs. A steady stream of genetic material spurts from Karkat’s bulge in predictable pulses.

You laugh at John as he holds Karkat’s bulge steady and aims it for the bucket rather than the already semi-stained wood floor. Karkat is too busy riding out one hella intense orgsm for him to care too much where his spunk ends up. It’s only when John squeezes too hard on the very over-sensitized bulge that Karkat says anything, and then its just a whine and a “Fuck!”

“Sorry, Karkat,” John says and plants a smooch on Karkat’s shoulder in apology.

Karkat manages to produce something like a liter and a half of genetic slurry. Pretty good for a troll/human copulation. You’ll have to make sure he rehydrates before passing out. Trolls almost always fall asleep after pailing, probably because their bodies have just completed a rather intense physical trial. You go to get a glass of water from the kitchen while John cleans up and helps Karkat into bed.

You come back and hand Karkat the glass and he downs it, barely able to stay awake. Damn, he is so flipping cute when he is drowsy and quiet. He hands back the empty glass and immediately burrows under the covers. John laughs and joins him, wrapping his strong arms around Karkat and spooning the smaller troll. You click off the light and hop in behind John, and you spoon the fuck out of him, just like he is spooning the fuck out of Karkat.

You are getting close to passing out when John whispers, “Dave, um…” and he hems and haws for a moment. You calm him by pressing your mouth to his neck, breathing in the warm, spicy scent of John, and you kiss the nape of his neck for good measure.

“Dave, I’d like it if, um,” and John clears his throat. “I’d really like us, all three of us, to be a thing. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for awhile.”

Oh. So that is why sneaky Mr. Egbert lured you and Karkat back to his secret lair for sexy times.

“Well,” you kiss his neck again, “It’s not a bad idea, but we’ll have to talk to Karkat about it.”

“No we won’t,” John says. He sounds so absolutely sure about this that it kind of scares you, like somehow he one-hundred percent knows how Karkat feels about this.

“I think we should probably ask Karkat what he thinks,” You respond. You hope Karkat says yes, you really do. You, him, and John--you’d be a really good thing together.

John giggles. He is the only grown man you have ever been with who can literally giggle and have it sounds adorable instead of creepy and/or annoying.

“You know Karkat’s my boyfriend, right?”

Uh, no. You didn’t know that.

John continues, “It’s a new development, and tonight was our first, ya know, um...time together. We’ve been boyfriends for about a month, but we had this problem.”

“A problem?” you ask.

John leans back into you, like he wants to press every inch of his body against every inch of yours. One of your arms is wrapped around his chest, and you use it to hold him tightly against you. Karkat, still asleep, instinctually nestles back into John when a gap appears between the two of them. Karkat grumbles a few words of complete nonsense under his breath and stills again.

“Yeah,” John whispers, trying not to disturb Karkat. “You see, Karkat and I, we both liked each other a whole lot. Like, wow, Dave. I didn’t realize how much I was crushing on Karkat until he kissed me one day. It was completely out of the blue. You know how we are.”

Yeah, you know exactly how John and Karkat are. John has always been very physically affectionate. He likes to hug his friends, or tackle them, depending on the situation. He is always patting someone on the back for a job well done, or holding a friend’s hand if they are sad. John is a ball of boundless physical joy, and you love him for that. And then there is Karkat, who John seems to double his efforts with--touches, hugs, pranks, ect. The two of them are very close. You wonder how John hadn’t noticed it years ago, the dork.

“Karkat and I both had this really big problem with our relationship,” he says. His voice is so quiet, almost timid; like he is scared to admit what he is about to say. “We both had really strong feelings for each other, buuuut…”

“But?” you repeat.

“But we also had really strong feelings for you, and kind of wanted you to join us.”

Those assholes. You got set up. You fell for the the oh-so-obvious “My Hella Sexy Friends Decide To Have a Threesome With Me and Act Like it is a Random Hookup But Decide to Not Tell Me the Whole Truth Until It’s Over” trap. It is just so cliche. You must fall for that one at least once a week.

Wow. That is a lot of digest. Okay, actually, you have never fallen for the sexy friend threesome trap before. But now, you realize, it isn’t just sex, there is admittance of feelings, and John is dating Karkat, but wants to date you too. And if you are being honest with yourself, you really would like to date them also. You love those two doofuses. You love them a lot.

“I’m a terrible boyfriend,” is how you finally answer.

John snort-laughs and Karkat shifts again and elbows John in the ribs before falling back asleep.

“That’s okay,” John tells you, “Obviously, so am I, and so is Karkat. Be terrible boyfriends with us.”

“I suppose you do make my heart go doki-doki.”

John doesn’t laugh at that. You can almost feel his glare. “No. You didn’t. Dave. Daaaave. No. No confessions of ‘doki-doki’ ever again. None.”

Karkat rolls over in John’s arms, he spends exactly three seconds glaring at both of you before growling, “If the two of you don’t shut the hell up, I’m going to doki-fucking-doki your heads in John’s commercial grade blender. Dave, you have three seconds to decide if you want to be our boyfriend. One…two...th...”

“Of course I’ll be your boyfriend,” you interrupt, trying your hardest not to laugh at how adorably disheveled Karkat is with his hair pointing every which way, hickies on his neck, and his eyes barely open as he squints at you and John, demanding to know if you’ll be their boyfriend.

And when you say yes, Karkat actually looks pleased, his lips even curl into something that might be a smile, but you aren’t one-hundred percent sure about that. Honestly, it looks a little creepy.

“Good,” Karkat says, “The matter is solved, so shut the hell up and go to sleep. Both of you.”

Karkat rolls back around, and shifts until he is comfortable. John yawns, and in a couple of minutes his breathing has evened out and you can tell he is asleep. You have to admit, this feels pretty damn right. You fall asleep smiling in a giant, sweaty sexy pile with your two dorky boyfriends.


End file.
